Good Genes

Those of you who know me know that I've spent a good deal of time lately going to the dentist and an oral surgeon. In my newfound zeal for getting and staying healthy, I decided to take care of my mouth. Gum disease runs in my family. So now I go to the dentist every six months (crazy), I got my wisdom teeth removed (all four of them) and I'm planning some "dental work." The dental work is not super critical, but it will help maintain healthy gums in the long run. Plus, it's a little piece of vanity that I can embrace in the process.

I was talking with one of my friends about this today online. We started musing about family traits, things passed down from one generation to the next. Although she is a third child, we concluded that she is not the product of a mid-afternoon soiree with the milkman. (Side note: the milkman/third child theory has its holes, but is founded in scientific fact.) She looks too much like her dad. I'd prefer to have more definitive evidence, but if that makes her feel better, then so be it. I, for one, know for a fact that I am the product of my mother and father. Although, I have to say, I have picked up all of my personality traits from my mom's side. Alla famiglia!

Then my friend said the funniest thing to me.

You gotta take the good genes with the bad - you can make a mean pasta sauce, but you pay the price with your gums...

And then I thought to myself, you know, she's right. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my family. And I love my heritage. Not everyone can cook Italian food. So what if I have dentures by the time I'm 40. Gnocchi is totally gum-able.

Wisdom Teeth

Again, I delay. All too often I claim that I will post more, that I will post "every other day," etc. Blah blah blah. Don't think I'm not aware of these empty promises. It bothered me for quite some time. But then, in the height of my recent drug-induced state of consciousness, I realized that it really doesn't matter. I'll post when I want to, damnit.

So here it is.

Things I learned while on Percocet:

1. getting all four wisdom teeth removed at one time is a HORRIBLE idea because I am not exaggerating when I say that it FRICKIN KILLS

2. however, had the pain been less, I would not have had the joy of meeting my new best friend, whom, for the sake of anonymity, I shall call "Schmercocet"

3. Schmercocet is like a cloud, like a white puffy cloud, floating in the sky

4. clouds are both puffy and fluffy, two very different, yet equally fun to contemplate, words

5. while hanging out with Schmercocet, all the colors of all the sorbet, yogurt, pudding, jello and ice cream flavors in your refrigerator meld into one brown muck - yet you keep eating them, because, my dear friends, that is all you can eat

6. having a mom there to help you is ideal because, first of all, she makes you soup, and soup is good

7. mom is nice... and she is small

8. when mom eats an apple right in front of you, you feel jealous because you are convinced that there is no frickin way you will ever eat an apple again

9. she shoves this in your face by placing an entire bowl of apples on your coffee table... she says it's for decoration, but you see right through that

10. the next thing you know, your friend Schmaroline stops by and drinks a few beers out of your fridge

11. beer and Schmercocet are not friends

12. when mom leaves, you are sad

13. although Schmercocet is now your best friend, you come to realize who your other good friends are by the call log on your cell phone... you may think you're remembering their messages, but you're not... the call log is key

14. brushing your teeth is a challenge

15. daytime TV is a joke, so you resort to CNN, which becomes instantly addicting and you think you're paying very close attention, but, again, you're not

16. if one more person calls me chipmunk, I swear to God

17. you have strong urges to sing, but it hurts to sing... you sing in your head... and you are very good

18. your brain functions seem simultaneously acute and numb at the same time... wait, that's redundant... wait, that's redundant

19. you crave the use of your back teeth, but wait! you have none! AHHHHHH!!!!!

20. you learn not to be a hero... Schmercocet is a necessary - temporary - slice of heaven