Throat monster

I've been sick for about three days now, trying to ignore it and go about my business. Well, it finally took over. I went to a clinic, figuring it'd be faster. It was. But the points they gained in speed they lost in bedside manner. You see, I told the doc that I had a fever and that my throat hurt. She leaned in with the throat light, told me to open wide, took one look, and then stepped back suddenly as if there was a monster down there. Then she said, "Oh my."

Bud

I had to make a mad dash to Colorado this week for work. After my presentation concluded, I took the opportunity to hike around a mountain or two, and explore the small town of Telluride. As I was strolling along, using my not-quite ideal running shoes and messenger bag, two young men approached me. Suddenly, one said, "Hey, do you know where we can score some bud?" And without a single moment's hesitation, I said, "Nah, man, I don't. Sorry, I don't live here." As if to suggest that if I had lived there, I would know exactly where to find marijuana.

Cabbie language

I had to take a cab home last night. I told the driver my address and off we went. He began what I thought was a normal conversation, including regular cabbie commentary like, "People here don't know how to drive," and "What a beautiful night, huh?" He spoke perfect English. Until. For some reason, I was completely unable to understand what he was saying next. Something about the silver circles and, I swear this is true, a nice pussy. He went on and on, occasionally looking back at me for approval. I just nodded politely and empathetically agreed, "Yeah, I know, man..."

Pumice stone incident

There are guns. There are knives. And then there are pumice stones. After an unfortunate incident in the shower this morning, I now have a pretty serious abrasion on my hand. Who knew pumice stones were so dangerous. Public service announcement to anyone who owns a pumice stone. Use caution. Also, you might want to keep one by your front door to fend off any unwanted guests. (Go for the smooth skin, if you know what I mean.)

Finger food

As much as I try to bring my lunch to work, in the hopes of saving money, it never happens. So I went to the pay-by-pound deli today and purchased some beef and broccoli. It was salty and delicious. It was also very tough, apparently, because just as I was about to dig into the last slivers of beef, the plastic fork broke violently against the pressure. Instead of getting a new fork from the kitchen, though, I just kept eating. That's right. I wasn't even phased by it. It was like I was Ethiopian, only without the humongous spongy bread.

Street festival

There's nothing quite like meat on a stick. Especially when consumed in 96 degree heat among hundreds of sweaty people on 18th Street. Needless to say, I was destroying my teriyaki chicken skewer, while innocently enjoying some bad outdoor karaoke, when someone approached me with a video camera. I'd like to point out that I had been wondering, bra-less, in the middle of the day. I was sweating buckets without a care in the world. And I had teriyaki sauce all over my face, no doubt framing the bits of chicken stuck in my teeth. Yes, all this and more may be on your local news today. Enjoy.

Elevator

Our building had blood drive today. There was a lot of commotion in the lobby as I returned from getting my lunch, so I scurried into the elevator, along with another woman. I decided to be friendly and ask her, "So, you giving blood today?" She replied, slowly and freakishly, "Well, I can't. I have... a... chronic... disease." We rode in silence the rest of the way up to the 6th floor, as I tried to come up with an appropriate response and hold my breath at the same time.

Basil

My 10th high school reunion is coming up. It's going to be a blast. We kick it off with Family Day out on the soccer field, followed closely by an open bar with 100 of my closest friends from high school, all of whom I keep in touch with solely via Facebook, and about half of whom are married with kids. I thought about bringing my basil plant. You know, as an example of a living thing that I've nurtured through the seasons. And then I remembered, oh yeah, maybe I should water that basil plant. Well, what's left of it.

Beef jerky nuggets

On my recent road trip, I decided to seek out a high-protein snack. There are very few options for protein at roadside convenient stores, so I went with the beef jerky nuggets. Although it looked like dog food, I figured, why not condense the beef into a nugget. I mean, right? More bang for your buck. It was a delicious treat, let me tell you. Yet, I began to wonder, how is the nugget formed, and is it really beef. Turns out, it actually is beef. Or at least it used to be.