Booyah

All I can say is, I've never been so content to be so utterly exhausted. I spilled my coffee about six times, almost fell asleep at the keyboard twice and walked into a glass door. With force. But you know what, I felt secure for the first time in eight years. Here's to democracy.

Fuzzy bar memories

I saw a man on the bus today that looked so incredibly familiar. For the life of me, I just couldn't place him. And then it hit. I'm pretty sure we had some kind of encounter at a bar, on some random night, within the past 10 years. I thought about approaching him, but can you imagine that conversation? "Hey, random guy. We might have met at bar sometime in the last decade. I don't know what I said, how drunk I was, nor do I remember how the night ended, but how 'bout that number again?"

Defriend

Only in this surreal online world can you so bluntly "defriend" someone. I never thought it would happen to me. I also never thought I'd be so hurt. Over the weekend, as I was conducting my regular round of Facebook stalking - I mean, um, catching up with old friends - I hit a roadblock. Much to my dismay, I was no longer friends with someone. The nerve. So what if I broke up with your brother? I think I still deserve access to your wall.

High heel race

There are times I think I was not meant to be a girl. Like this morning, when I decided to spice it up and wear sexy boots over my jeans. I left my apartment, barely made it up the stairs, saw a bus approaching and thought, "There is no way in hell I am running to catch that." The drag racers in Dupont wear heels far better than I.

Skim and whip

I ordered a pumpkin coffee drink at Caribou today. I asked for it with skim milk. The man behind the counter then said, "No whip?" I replied, in a flirty tone I later regretted, "Oh no, I want the whip." He smirked and I couldn't quite figure out if it was because of my hypocrisy in ordering nonfat milk topped with fatty whipped cream, or if it was because the thought of a whip excited him. A disturbing moment to say the least.

Drunk wedding guy

On the shuttle bus back from the wedding I attended last night, I mistakenly decided to sit next to "drunk wedding guy." This wouldn't have been a huge deal, except for the fact that he was also "horny as hell wedding guy." As the shuttle pulled away from the reception, he leaned in, a hand creeping up my leg, and said, "Hey, it's dark." I wondered how many girls he actually gets feel up using that line. I replied, "Hey, you have a girlfriend."

Doggie bag

I was so tired at one point today that I thought a black plastic bag was a dog. And not just a dog, but a cute little puppy, most likely a black lab. I almost went over to the man carrying the "dog" to say how cute his "dog" was. Then I got a double espresso, and all was well again.

Orgy

They are in the process of renovating our gym. This morning, my spin instructor informed the class that they are building a co-ed Turkish bath as part of the renovation. From the back row of bikes, some guy yelled out, "Will that affect the classes?" Now, when she said "co-ed Turkish bath," I'm pretty sure the last thing on my mind was "the classes."

Chick flick

Here's a tip. If you're a woman. A single woman. In her late 20's. Who just had a rough couple weeks. A great couple weeks though. You're confused. You're sad. You're aroused. You're every emotion at once. DO NOT. I repeat, DO NOT watch the Sex & the City movie. Alone. In your one bedroom apartment. With ice cream. Period.

Throat monster

I've been sick for about three days now, trying to ignore it and go about my business. Well, it finally took over. I went to a clinic, figuring it'd be faster. It was. But the points they gained in speed they lost in bedside manner. You see, I told the doc that I had a fever and that my throat hurt. She leaned in with the throat light, told me to open wide, took one look, and then stepped back suddenly as if there was a monster down there. Then she said, "Oh my."