Not funny, yet I laugh

If one more person sends me this Easter bunny rap thing, I might do something drastic. I have received this forward from several people over the last few days, and, every time, I think, yay, a personal email. And then, almost inevitably, it's the god damn bunny rap.

I can only describe it like an accident on the side of a highway. You know it's bad, but you can't stop looking. Oh, and there's a freaky bunny rapper singing on your radio too.

Check it out. I guess it could be somewhat entertaining, if the bunny was actually cute, and not the size of a horse. However, I have to admit, it makes me laugh. So keep 'em coming! You know you want to send it to me... you know you do.

http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf

Mr. Turkey Meatball, I salute you

It was a long, stressful day. I went out after work to meet someone and unwind a little. Three vodka cranberries, two and a half hours and no dinner later…

Yet another bizarre cab ride home. Some cab drivers are super nice, some are completely cold and then some are just plain weird. This guy fell into category #3. He decided to impart upon me his philosophy of dating and relationships. I’m thinking, well this should be good! I could use some advice. Who couldn’t… you know? Well, it wasn’t as enlightening as I had hoped. He ended up telling me that, in essence, nothing matters when it comes to dating. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, humor doesn’t matter, chemistry doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter, religion doesn’t matter, etc. He went on and on. What’s your point, I asked. Nothing, no point, was pretty much his answer. So I should just give up on dating then? Great. Ok, how much will that be?

Very anticlimactic, and depressing.

So I walked into my apartment, my stomach craving some sustenance and my head full of bad cab driver memories. There was nothing in the fridge, so I opened the freezer. Aha! Millions of turkey meatballs! It was like a moment of intense clarity, a light at the end of a tunnel, and, of course, the perfect 10 p.m. snack. Mr. Turkey Meatball (pseudonym Aunt Judy), thank you for YOU. You are a life saver. And not the fruit-flavored candy, either. No, you are the kind that actually “saves lives.” I need you on that wall (random movie quote). Your fried turkey and vegetable goodness simply hit the spot. Both my stomach and my head salute you this morning. And I salute you forever. Mr. Turkey Meatball, this one’s for you...

No day but today

Benjamin Franklin once said, “You may delay, but time will not.” Well, Benj, I hate to break it to you, but I did it. I totally delayed time.

This story proves the danger of too much routine and stability. February 26th, February 27th, February 28th and then we have February 29th, right? According to my notes from work, yesterday was, in fact, February 29th. I went through the ENTIRE day thinking that it was still February. And the notion of a leap year never even crossed my mind. It was just that the day before was February 28th, so naturally it must have been February 29th. Scary.

I’m completely aware of the date now. Today is March 2nd. It’s pretty cool to be a day further along in time, but I’m not an advocate of this method. I feel a little jet lagged to be honest. Next entry, the meaning of the term “jet lag.”

Drumroll

Friends, family, colleagues, random mean dude who said I should have sex with Al Franken… I am back. It’s been a while and I regret being such a slacker for the past two months, not really because I’m disappointing my fans – all, eh hem, three of them – but more because I actually enjoy doing this!

Round 2 of AO in DC will not be without changes, however. I’ve decided that the world is too consumed by negative energy. Why should I contribute to that? I will not abandon my sarcasm, but my hope is to focus on the positive side of sarcasm. I’ve also realized that my partisan thinking was doing absolutely no good. All political parties have their evil moments, some more than others… ok, an occasional jab at a Republican or two. We all know there is no such thing as cold turkey, honestly.

So stay tuned. My next post will be very soon. In the meantime, I’ll give you topic. Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island… discuss.

Quote Time #2

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?

Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.

Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?

Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

Quote Time

For recent lack of creativity, I'll try to make amends with some of my favorite movie quotes.

Dr. Evil: All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out. Everyone out. C'mon.

[Everyone starts to leave]

Dr. Evil: Not you, Scottie. Not you, Number 2. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you, guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.

[Scott and Dr. Evil look at Mini Me]

Dr. Evil: Ohh, this is uncomfortable.

Goldmember: Heheheh, the tiny one can't take a hint, Heheheheh. He doesn't understand he's small.

Creation

On the first day, God created the earth. Then he said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And the light was good. And then he said, "Let there be water and dry land," and he saw the dry land, and it was good too. And then he said, "Let there be plants and fruit," and they appeared and God figured they were good too. And then he said, "Let there be a sun and a moon," and, wouldn't you know it, they were good too. And then he made the animals and man and all that stuff. And at the end, he saw everything that he had made, and he thought it was all "very good."

Now, I certainly appreciate modesty, don't get me wrong, but "good"? Man, if I could point to a dry piece of land and frickin make a cow appear out of nothing, I think I'd be a little more excited. I'd be like, "Holy shit! Did you see that? Yeah, that's right. I just made a cow out of nothing. Mmmm hmmm, that's right I made a cow. You know it. You know I'm the master of the universe. Kneel down before Zod!"

All hubris aside, there's been a lot of creation going on around here, so it got me to thinking. To create, to build, to construct, to... running out of synonyms... create... anyway, to make something from nothing, or from something else entirely different, is one of the most satisfying things we can do. Whether you're creating a painting, a file cabinet, a grade, a report, a mixed drink, a holiday display, a batch of cookies, a baby, a smile, a joke, a phone call, a table... whatever the case may be, you know that you are in full control and that you helped to make something that previously did not exist. It's way deep.

A sense of accomplishment is something that we sometimes struggle to feel as we move from day to day in the chaos of life. Every once in while, we stop and say, "Hey, I did that!" and kick back with a cold one, genuinely satisfied with whatever the task may have been. But I think what we don't realize is that we have a profound effect on other people every second of every minute of every hour of every... you get the picture.

Every time you make someone think and every time you make someone laugh, that is a creation. That thought or that smile did not exist before you. It is new. Without the creation of these things, the world would remain stagnant and very boring.

Creation is very satisfying. We just have to stop and realize that we've accomplished something good. It's a great feeling. I created a painting today. And it is good.

Who wrote the Old Testament anyway? A two year old?

There are two things I hate in this world... people who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Swedes.

The following is a note from my friend, Katie. It follows an unfortunate series of events regarding one particular table, which I now refer to as, my "fucking table." I have learned a lot from this experience. Actually, I have only learned one thing: never EVER shop at Ikea. They will eat away at your hopes and dreams and then, just when you think that they hand them back to you, they rip them away!

Katie's email follows.

I'm sorry to hear you're having second thoughts.

To be honest, I'm completely confident that if we just saw off a quarter inch here and there on the underside of the base, it'll be fine. The only way in which sawing would affect the balance of the table would be if we were sawing off part of the length of the leg itself, which we wouldn't be doing. It's just a matter of getting the girth of the leg far enough in to be flush with the underside of the base. We'd merely be trimming off excess wood that shouldn't been there in the first place. I don't see it as making changes to a design, or circumventing it in any way. I see it as correcting a flaw that was a result of shoddy manufacturing. If I had a model, I could show you more effectively what I'm trying to say. So how about an extended metaphor instead?

Say you buy a coat. You try it on in the store and it fits great and you love the style, but you don't want to take the one that's been sitting out on the salesfloor that 500 people have tried on. So you take one that the salesperson just put out, same size, color, etc.

You get home and the next day it's cold as balls, so you're like oh man I really need my new coat today! But when you go to put it on and button it up, you realize that the button and its corresponding buttonhole, do not match up. It's a difference of a mere half an inch, but it still means that you can't button up your coat. It's a simple manufacturing error, the 8 year old in the sweatshop was so exhausted and emaciated that he sewed the button on a half an inch too far to the right. So what do you do? You can take the coat back to the store and exchange it, which is a schlepp, or you just get a needle and thread and move the button over a half an inch. Voila, problem solved. And then, of course, you organize a campaign to end sweatshop labor and vow from then on to only buy fair-trade manufactured goods. Take that, Kathie Lee!

So how about this -
We attempt to fix the problem by sawing. It's worth a shot, especially if it will save you the trouble of trying to exchange the giant heavy table. If trimming it doesn't work, (but I'm like 96% certain that it will), then you can exchange it.

I'm not just saying this because I've been looking forward to a Knights of the Round Table drinking night. Seriously, I'm not. It's because you have a chance to be proactive and fix the problem yourself (even though you shouldn't have to, I know), and avoiding the complacent, lackadaisical incompetency of the mass-produced furniture industry. You have a chance to stand up and say, 'hey, Ikea, I don't need your frickin help with your stupid frickin shoddy table you sold me! Fuck you! I'll fix it my own damn self! I'm not dependent on you!' , because so many people are dependent on these megalithic, uncaring institutions to solve the problems in their lives. An attempt at sawing is an attempt to take back control over your life, and that you're not going to be pushed around by Ikea, or anyone.

Yeah, so basically I see your table as a metaphor for life.

haha
:-)

My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my wife, Oprah…

Breaking news! Oprah has released her “Favorite Things” list for the 2004 holiday shopping season. And guess what’s at the top? You guessed it! Burberry! My fave …

http://www.oprah.com/presents/holiday2004/gifts/pres_hol2004_gifts_oft.jhtml

The list also features about 20 other items that PR people have pitched to Oprah’s producers this year. What? You thought Oprah had a vested personal interest in the Dell Pocket DJ?

The 3-day Rule

So I met a guy last Saturday night, gave him my number and, well, waited. As much as I say that I’m “not waiting” and that I, uh (throat clears) “don’t care,” who am I kidding. Even though he looked like Clay Aiken and was wearing a sweater (ouch, I know), I secretly wanted him to call back. He was kind of cute. Ok, shut up to all those who actually met him that night! Attraction is relative. Anyway …

A week later, no call. And so begins another weekend.

I bring it up not because I’m crying myself to sleep every night or anything. But, the situation really made me think about the whole concept of “the waiting game.”

The standard rule is three days. So, if he got my number on Saturday night (well, ok, Sunday morning), then I should not expect a call back until Tuesday night at the earliest. Hence the waiting period in between. However, according to a male coworker, guys sometimes calculate the three days from Sunday, making the call back day Wednesday instead. This is done for several reasons. First, it’s really on Sunday when they begin to think soberly, I mean clearly, and really decide if you’re worth a call back. Second, calling back on a Wednesday night is “more cool” because it’s closer to Friday. No one wants to seem desperate enough to be planning the weekend so far in advance (i.e., Tuesday).

There are many rules of dating etiquette. But this three-day thing has to be the worst. I’ll tell you why. The whole purpose of the three days is so the person with the phone number doesn’t seem either A) too desperate or B) too indifferent. The intention is that he/she comes off at that perfect level of coolness. You know, I like you, baby, but I don’t “need” you.

The problem is that this behavior is not real. It starts the relationship, if there is to be one, totally on the wrong foot. For example, I really like someone, get their number and want to call the next day. But, I don’t because of the stupid rule. So, the guy, who hopefully was equally as excited, thinks I’m blowing him off. Even if I call on the third day, some of that initial energy is lost.

And in my situation with Clay Aiken, there was a pathetic little part of me that was hoping he’d call on that fateful third day. As much as I deny it happened, it was a waste of my time.

The solution is for everyone to be as upfront as possible. Call the person back when YOU want to, not when some random (and, by the way, old school) rule dictates you should. And be yourself. Haha, this is definitely not as easy as I’m making it out to be. Truth is, we all have masks that we wear in trying to woo the opposite sex. I guess the difference is whether it’s a ski mask or one of those masks on a stick some people use at New Years.