Like Apples and Oranges

I swear to god this is true. Public transportation is a funny thing, full of funny people and funny situations. This has to top them all, at least for me, and at least in a very long time.

It was Friday morning, early, about 7:30 a.m. I boarded the 42 headed south. I paid my $1.25, walked to the back of the bus, just past the back exit door, and took a seat next to a very nice Hispanic gentleman. Slowly, in my morning caffeine-not-quite-kicking-in-yet daze, I realized that the bus driver kept looking in her huge rearview mirror in my general direction. And she looked pissed!

Ask anyone who regularly rides the 42 from about 7:00 to 8:00 a.m. This bus driver is memorable. She exudes miserableness. Is that a word? Well, that's what she exudes.

In any case, I began to get really paranoid that she was looking - wait, scratch that - scowling at me. I mean, this woman could stare you down into submission, I tell no lie.

Finally, at about Connecticut and R streets, she swings herself completely around and says, "You know you're not eatin' oranges on this bus! You KNOW you're not eatin' no oranges on MY bus!"

Everyone looked around like, "Are you eating oranges? I'm not eating oranges, are you?" I'll admit, I smelled something citrus, but I couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from.

Then, at the Dupont Circle stop, she actually got up from her bus driver seat and proceeded in my direction, scowl in full force. I had no trace of an orange, or any kind of fruit for that matter, so I felt safe. But, deep down, I feared I was being set up. Did someone plant an orange on me? I was so scared, I'm not kidding.

A sigh of relief! She stopped a few rows in front of me, pointer finger extended, and started beating into this poor guy. The conversation went like this:

Driver Lady: I told you not to be eatin' no oranges on this bus! What do you think you're doin', eatin' oranges on this bus?
Scared Russian Dude (please try to picture a thick Russian accent): Excuse me?
Driver Lady: You best not be eatin' no oranges on this bus! Do you HEAR me? How many times do I have to say it?
Scared Russian Dude: Is it a crime to EAT???
Driver Lady: On this bus it is!
Russian Dude (now sarcastically): So, now it is a crime to eat?
Driver Lady: ON THIS BUS IT IS!
Russian Dude (now mumbling to himself as Driver Lady sits down and resumes the trip): Blah blah blah Russian slang blah blah blah.
Random Passenger #1: You mean you can't let the man eat? Look at him! He's hungry! Why y'all be trippin' over an orange? Shit... it's 6 in the morning and y'all trippin' over a hungry brother who just wants to eat. Sheeeeet y'all.
Russian Dude: You see??? You see what they are doing to you! They are taking away your freedoms one by one. In Soviet Union, people killed for eating oranges! Crime to eat on a bus... (Russian mumbling again)
Random Passenger #2: It's a rule, just follow the rule. The woman said you can't eat oranges on the bus, so don't eat oranges on the bus!
Random Passenger #1: Y'all, it's 6 in the morning! And y'all is trippin' over an orange. Shit.
Random Passenger #2: A rule is a rule. It's not an infringement on your rights. Just eat the orange 10 minutes later when you get off the bus.
Random Passenger #1: The man is hungry now! What the fuck, y'all.

Awkward silence. Then I got off the bus, at my usual stop, although I was so incredibly tempted to stay on. Only in DC, I swear, could you get into a very public political debate with complete strangers about personal freedoms - incited by an orange.