The Romantic Cynic

What have I become? I've been talking to a guy recently who believes in the fundamentals of romance. Cuddling up to watch a movie. Sitting by a crackling fire on a snowy night. Listening to waves crash on the beach. Etc.

I'll be honest, these things make me want to hurl. Can you say cheeseball?

But then I got to thinking... this guy is sincere, as far as I can tell. Have I just been conditioned by society to think that romance is dead? Am I that bitter? Do I really believe that if a guy were to do any of those things that he's only after one thing?

How sad is that? Am I really that cynical when it comes to old fashioned romance? I feel like Carrie on Sex & the City.

Instead of trying to just get over it, I think I've come up with the explanation. Especially living in a big city, where everyone is basically here for their profession (in one way or another), there is a strong emphasis on power and getting ahead. And for women, it's even more important to focus on that goal. We are trained in many circles to make that our number one priority... not to be distracted by foolish sidebars like romance. Romance makes you weak... romance makes you vulnerable.

That's it! Aversion to romance is totally a defense mechanism. If I allow myself to give into it, I make myself vulnerable to emotions that might distract me from what should be my goal. After all, I am not here to clean a house and be a baby factory. No siree. I must prove my worth in more important areas... like memo writing and budget management! Ha.

So I protect myself from being emotional, from being hurt... and I laugh at romance.

But this sort of thinking causes a paradox in my head. What is a relationship without romance? Just a friend of the opposite sex? Just the physical gratification?

Nah, romance is alive. We just have to let it back in. The more I think about it, the more I believe we can have the best of both worlds. Someone just told me not to give up. Keep trying. You get hurt, so what. Get back up. Try again.

I cry at the Mighty Ducks. I lose it during Hallmark commercials and Beaches. That is me. I love to see people love eachother... holding hands, a warm glance, a kiss when they think no one is watching. That is romance. And it's out there.

My mom and I were part of larger conversation a few months ago. We started talking about marriage versus being on your own. Someone said, men, what good are they? Who needs them, right? And my mom turns to me and says, "I hope you find love. I know it's out there for you."

And so giving up is no longer an option...

Bring on that fireplace on a snowy evening! I'll get some champagne and strawberries. Just no heart shaped vibrating beds. That is one step too far, I'm sorry.