Quote Time #2

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?

Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.

Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?

Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

Quote Time

For recent lack of creativity, I'll try to make amends with some of my favorite movie quotes.

Dr. Evil: All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out. Everyone out. C'mon.

[Everyone starts to leave]

Dr. Evil: Not you, Scottie. Not you, Number 2. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you, guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.

[Scott and Dr. Evil look at Mini Me]

Dr. Evil: Ohh, this is uncomfortable.

Goldmember: Heheheh, the tiny one can't take a hint, Heheheheh. He doesn't understand he's small.

Creation

On the first day, God created the earth. Then he said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And the light was good. And then he said, "Let there be water and dry land," and he saw the dry land, and it was good too. And then he said, "Let there be plants and fruit," and they appeared and God figured they were good too. And then he said, "Let there be a sun and a moon," and, wouldn't you know it, they were good too. And then he made the animals and man and all that stuff. And at the end, he saw everything that he had made, and he thought it was all "very good."

Now, I certainly appreciate modesty, don't get me wrong, but "good"? Man, if I could point to a dry piece of land and frickin make a cow appear out of nothing, I think I'd be a little more excited. I'd be like, "Holy shit! Did you see that? Yeah, that's right. I just made a cow out of nothing. Mmmm hmmm, that's right I made a cow. You know it. You know I'm the master of the universe. Kneel down before Zod!"

All hubris aside, there's been a lot of creation going on around here, so it got me to thinking. To create, to build, to construct, to... running out of synonyms... create... anyway, to make something from nothing, or from something else entirely different, is one of the most satisfying things we can do. Whether you're creating a painting, a file cabinet, a grade, a report, a mixed drink, a holiday display, a batch of cookies, a baby, a smile, a joke, a phone call, a table... whatever the case may be, you know that you are in full control and that you helped to make something that previously did not exist. It's way deep.

A sense of accomplishment is something that we sometimes struggle to feel as we move from day to day in the chaos of life. Every once in while, we stop and say, "Hey, I did that!" and kick back with a cold one, genuinely satisfied with whatever the task may have been. But I think what we don't realize is that we have a profound effect on other people every second of every minute of every hour of every... you get the picture.

Every time you make someone think and every time you make someone laugh, that is a creation. That thought or that smile did not exist before you. It is new. Without the creation of these things, the world would remain stagnant and very boring.

Creation is very satisfying. We just have to stop and realize that we've accomplished something good. It's a great feeling. I created a painting today. And it is good.

Who wrote the Old Testament anyway? A two year old?

There are two things I hate in this world... people who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Swedes.

The following is a note from my friend, Katie. It follows an unfortunate series of events regarding one particular table, which I now refer to as, my "fucking table." I have learned a lot from this experience. Actually, I have only learned one thing: never EVER shop at Ikea. They will eat away at your hopes and dreams and then, just when you think that they hand them back to you, they rip them away!

Katie's email follows.

I'm sorry to hear you're having second thoughts.

To be honest, I'm completely confident that if we just saw off a quarter inch here and there on the underside of the base, it'll be fine. The only way in which sawing would affect the balance of the table would be if we were sawing off part of the length of the leg itself, which we wouldn't be doing. It's just a matter of getting the girth of the leg far enough in to be flush with the underside of the base. We'd merely be trimming off excess wood that shouldn't been there in the first place. I don't see it as making changes to a design, or circumventing it in any way. I see it as correcting a flaw that was a result of shoddy manufacturing. If I had a model, I could show you more effectively what I'm trying to say. So how about an extended metaphor instead?

Say you buy a coat. You try it on in the store and it fits great and you love the style, but you don't want to take the one that's been sitting out on the salesfloor that 500 people have tried on. So you take one that the salesperson just put out, same size, color, etc.

You get home and the next day it's cold as balls, so you're like oh man I really need my new coat today! But when you go to put it on and button it up, you realize that the button and its corresponding buttonhole, do not match up. It's a difference of a mere half an inch, but it still means that you can't button up your coat. It's a simple manufacturing error, the 8 year old in the sweatshop was so exhausted and emaciated that he sewed the button on a half an inch too far to the right. So what do you do? You can take the coat back to the store and exchange it, which is a schlepp, or you just get a needle and thread and move the button over a half an inch. Voila, problem solved. And then, of course, you organize a campaign to end sweatshop labor and vow from then on to only buy fair-trade manufactured goods. Take that, Kathie Lee!

So how about this -
We attempt to fix the problem by sawing. It's worth a shot, especially if it will save you the trouble of trying to exchange the giant heavy table. If trimming it doesn't work, (but I'm like 96% certain that it will), then you can exchange it.

I'm not just saying this because I've been looking forward to a Knights of the Round Table drinking night. Seriously, I'm not. It's because you have a chance to be proactive and fix the problem yourself (even though you shouldn't have to, I know), and avoiding the complacent, lackadaisical incompetency of the mass-produced furniture industry. You have a chance to stand up and say, 'hey, Ikea, I don't need your frickin help with your stupid frickin shoddy table you sold me! Fuck you! I'll fix it my own damn self! I'm not dependent on you!' , because so many people are dependent on these megalithic, uncaring institutions to solve the problems in their lives. An attempt at sawing is an attempt to take back control over your life, and that you're not going to be pushed around by Ikea, or anyone.

Yeah, so basically I see your table as a metaphor for life.

haha
:-)

My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my wife, Oprah…

Breaking news! Oprah has released her “Favorite Things” list for the 2004 holiday shopping season. And guess what’s at the top? You guessed it! Burberry! My fave …

http://www.oprah.com/presents/holiday2004/gifts/pres_hol2004_gifts_oft.jhtml

The list also features about 20 other items that PR people have pitched to Oprah’s producers this year. What? You thought Oprah had a vested personal interest in the Dell Pocket DJ?

The 3-day Rule

So I met a guy last Saturday night, gave him my number and, well, waited. As much as I say that I’m “not waiting” and that I, uh (throat clears) “don’t care,” who am I kidding. Even though he looked like Clay Aiken and was wearing a sweater (ouch, I know), I secretly wanted him to call back. He was kind of cute. Ok, shut up to all those who actually met him that night! Attraction is relative. Anyway …

A week later, no call. And so begins another weekend.

I bring it up not because I’m crying myself to sleep every night or anything. But, the situation really made me think about the whole concept of “the waiting game.”

The standard rule is three days. So, if he got my number on Saturday night (well, ok, Sunday morning), then I should not expect a call back until Tuesday night at the earliest. Hence the waiting period in between. However, according to a male coworker, guys sometimes calculate the three days from Sunday, making the call back day Wednesday instead. This is done for several reasons. First, it’s really on Sunday when they begin to think soberly, I mean clearly, and really decide if you’re worth a call back. Second, calling back on a Wednesday night is “more cool” because it’s closer to Friday. No one wants to seem desperate enough to be planning the weekend so far in advance (i.e., Tuesday).

There are many rules of dating etiquette. But this three-day thing has to be the worst. I’ll tell you why. The whole purpose of the three days is so the person with the phone number doesn’t seem either A) too desperate or B) too indifferent. The intention is that he/she comes off at that perfect level of coolness. You know, I like you, baby, but I don’t “need” you.

The problem is that this behavior is not real. It starts the relationship, if there is to be one, totally on the wrong foot. For example, I really like someone, get their number and want to call the next day. But, I don’t because of the stupid rule. So, the guy, who hopefully was equally as excited, thinks I’m blowing him off. Even if I call on the third day, some of that initial energy is lost.

And in my situation with Clay Aiken, there was a pathetic little part of me that was hoping he’d call on that fateful third day. As much as I deny it happened, it was a waste of my time.

The solution is for everyone to be as upfront as possible. Call the person back when YOU want to, not when some random (and, by the way, old school) rule dictates you should. And be yourself. Haha, this is definitely not as easy as I’m making it out to be. Truth is, we all have masks that we wear in trying to woo the opposite sex. I guess the difference is whether it’s a ski mask or one of those masks on a stick some people use at New Years.

Response to the person who anonymously posted comment #2 from my November 3rd post

I’m just going to take this point by point:

“You're an idiot. A complete idiot.”
--- I didn’t realize there were such distinct levels of being an idiot. But, what can I say, I never do anything half-assed.

“I hope you don't take yourself seriously. Go have sex with Al Franken, why don't you?”
--- Hmmm... Interesting idea. However, I believe Mr. Franken is married. I don’t have sex with married men. That’s my version of a moral value.

“Leftist crap. Seriously now, the problem with Kerry is that he is too left. Think about it for a second. If you want to be a democrat and win, you must run to the center, even if you fool people later on by really meaning to govern from the left.”
--- Another question of morality. You see, I believe that if you say something, ESPECIALLY when running for such an important position as the President of the United States, you should mean it. Therefore, I don’t believe Democrats should run to the center just to win an election, only to later on change policy direction.

“That's the problem w/ the democrats. Yes, they'll always win the usual blue states, but they'll never take a chunk out of the red by running to the left. That's exactly why Hillary can't win in 08 should she decide to run. She's a hard-core liberal. Now, nothing wrong w/ it -- she can be who she wants to be, but SHE CAN'T WIN! Do you get it yet?”
--- I agree with you on this one. Hillary probably would not be able to win. It’s unfortunate.

In conclusion then, thanks for bringing these points to my attention. Especially the Al Franken one. That was special. Seriously, whoever you are, thanks for the comments. We have to keep the debate alive because that’s what this country is all about. It invigorates me and obviously you as well. However, if I have to have sex with a left-leaning celebrity activist, can we maybe change it to Ben Affleck? That’d be great, thanks.

The morning after…

What just happened? Did that really just happen… again?

I’m done talking about it. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m shocked. In DC, where more than 90% of voters supported Kerry yesterday, there is a feeling of despair. The streets are quieter than they were yesterday. That energy we felt, seeing the lines at the polls and going to our “happy” hours until late into the night, has been extinguished. What went wrong?

More than anything else, it's embarrassing to me because I still consider – because I still want to consider – this country to be a great one. But then I see half of us completely ignorant, voting for God and lower taxes. You know who they are? Fundamentalist Christians, rich white men and people influenced by scare tactics. Uneducated on longer-term consequences. Wake up!, I want to say… the failing economy, the threatened environment, unrealistic education mandates, rising healthcare costs, diminishing Social Security and Medicare funds… hello, are you listening?

Stem cell research can help so many people. Discrimination – against ANYONE – is simply unacceptable. Is it not 2004? Hello?? Are these people for real? Someone recently said that we’re going back in time, that this election has, and has the potential (i.e., Supreme Court changes) to reverse valuable progress.

It makes me sick... I think even if Kerry won, I'd still be disgusted at how many people still voted for Bush. On "morality?” How is being a liar being moral? How is killing thousands of our troops being moral? And for what? Have we figured that out yet? There is no getting around the facts that there are no WMD and no proven connection from Iraq to Al Qaeda. Not to mention how other countries view us… especially now. They are laughing I tell you, rolling on the floor laughing.

The next four years are going to be hell too... say good-bye to Roe v. Wade, for one. Oh, and don't get me started on the number of homophobes who voted to ban same-sex marriage. What century are you living in? Fuckers. Excuse my freedom fries.

I'm disappointed, but more angry and embarrassed at my fellow citizens. I refuse to believe that the middle of the country is simply “uneducated.” There must be something more… but what is it? What is that impetus that convinces people that it’s ok to deny basic human rights to women, to gays, to those afflicted with disease… I don’t know what it is, but we better figure it out before 2008.

Ode to my Sister… and the greatest pastry debate of our time

We live in a society of finite labels and distinct categories. Just when you thought we had named everything… just when you thought we had it all figured out… a question arises. This question may seem trivial to some, but, then again, so did the whole “the world is flat” thing. It takes the greatest of thinkers to bring such a question to the surface and attempt to find an answer. With that, I give you… drum roll please… the great debate… the impossible quandary… the groundbreaking thesis… of… drum roll again… MUFFIN…. versus... CUPCAKE!

SuperAdri: still so excited abotu this muffin
SuperAdri: it like made my day
Lyss120: what muffin?
SuperAdri: from the mba
SuperAdri: gotta keep up with me here pisser
SuperAdri: oh pisser
Lyss120: haha, oh
Lyss120: i thought it was a cupcake
SuperAdri: oh ya
SuperAdri: whatever
SuperAdri: same thing
SuperAdri: ya, it is more of a cupcake
Lyss120: ha!
Lyss120: see
SuperAdri: seriously
Lyss120: i'm not stupid
SuperAdri: is there a huge difference
Lyss120: yes
SuperAdri: like i feel liek you should have been able to figure out what i meant
Lyss120: one is a dessert and one is a breakfast treat
SuperAdri: figure it out!! you know
SuperAdri: naw
SuperAdri: i would totally eat a cupcake for breakfats
Lyss120: haha
SuperAdri: it doesn't have icing on it
Lyss120: maybe YOU would
SuperAdri: so it's tricky
Lyss120: oh
Lyss120: hmmm... yes, tricky

SuperAdri: it's more of a small muffin in a cupcake wrapper
Lyss120: what's a cupcake wrapper though?
SuperAdri: a small muffin wrapper, you know, like that folded paper on the bottom that you peel off and it forms a circle
Lyss120: oh
SuperAdri: you see
Lyss120: sort of
SuperAdri: haha

Lyss120: but i still think there are differences in consistency
Lyss120: like a muffin is more oats or blueberry
Lyss120: and a cupcake is chocolate or vanilla
SuperAdri: haha, but this isn't really cakey
Lyss120: damn you
SuperAdri: haha
SuperAdri: this is funny
Lyss120: ahhH!!

Lyss120: no icing, it's not cakey, yet has a cupcake wrapper
SuperAdri: yes
Lyss120: is it a muffin or a cupcake? we dont know
SuperAdri: kyle thinks it's a weak muffin
Lyss120: LOL
SuperAdri: cause it doesn't fold over
SuperAdri: you know
Lyss120: that's good, i like that
SuperAdri: like there's no "muffin top"
Lyss120: it doesnt fold over?
Lyss120: oh, i see
SuperAdri: ya
SuperAdri: it's a tricky little treat
Lyss120: Hahahha!!
SuperAdri: haha
Lyss120: we should make a list... one side will be all of the muffin attributes, and one side can be all of the cupcake attributes
SuperAdri: ya
SuperAdri: ok, off to econ

UPDATE

Earlier this week, it was reported that Sinclair Broadcasting apparently backed down and decided not to run its anti-Kerry documentary. Let's read between the lines, shall we?

- "…only portions of the movie in an hour-long special scheduled for Friday" (Washington Post)
- “Sinclair Modifies Airing Kerry War Record Attack” (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
- “Sinclair Broadcast Group, facing increasing pressure from shareholders and advertisers over its plans to broadcast a documentary critical of John Kerry's antiwar activities more than 30 years ago, said yesterday it would not show the film in its entirety.” (New York Times)
- “The Burger King Company announced that it would pull all its commercials from Sinclair stations all day on the date the program is broadcast.” (New York Times)

So it seems that the ones who originally intended to manipulate us have actually manipulated us into thinking we’re not being manipulated… whoa, dude.

And I’d also like to point out that even Burger King, home of the Whopper… and, yes, I capitalized Whopper… is taking a stand on this issue. It’s as if they’re saying, “Have it your way, Sinclair, but we ain’t gonna put extra pickles on this burger!”

What happened to real news, objectivity and trust in the media?

No comment from me on this one, but if you’d like to take action, please visit:
http://www.stopsinclair.org/index.php.

Link to a recent AP/New York Times article on the subject:
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/business/AP-Sinclair-The-Smiths.html?oref=login.

Quick summary:
- Sinclair owns more TV stations than anyone outside the major networks.
- Sinclair asked its 62 television stations -- many of them in swing states -- to pre-empt regular programming to run an anti-Kerry documentary.
- Controversy is nothing new to this company… After the Sept. 11 attacks, Sinclair ordered anchors at its stations to read editorials supporting the Bush administration. And remember earlier this year when they refused to carry a ``Nightline'' broadcast in which the names of Americans killed in Iraq were read aloud?
- Sinclair is a HUGE donor to the GOP.

Come on! Whatever side you're on, this is just absurd. Ok, one little comment.

SHOUT OUT

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to my homies in Brugge.

Actually, this SHOUT OUT is for the good folks over at Geico, who really made me wet my pants the other night because I was laughing so hard. (Disclaimer: I didn’t really wet my pants, but exaggeration adds to the effect of a story.)

I was quietly watching TV, enjoying the mindlessness of the evening, when a commercial came on about the latest reality TV show. It featured a newly married couple who are tasked with living in the “Tiny House,” which is also the name of the show. Everything about the house is proportionally smaller than it should be. Their legs hang over the bed, their heads hit the ceilings, they bump into each other constantly, spawning petty arguments – you get the picture.

After they introduce the plotline, the announcer dramatically says, “The tensions will boil. The drama will be real. But it won’t save you any money on your car insurance.” And then it hits you! This is not real. This is a Geico commercial. Doh! Tricked again!

The SHOUT OUT is well deserved. Not only is the spot incredibly well written, capturing the many hilarious nuances of reality shows, but it really sucks you in and leads you to believe that this is a real commercial for an upcoming new show. It also leads you to realize that you are obsessed with reality TV, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like to be tricked, but, Geico, this commercial rocks. I’m also willing to place bets on when Fox will start production on their own version of “Tiny House.”

Electric schmetric, that’s what I say.

What ever happened to the simple days of candles and oil lamps? I’ll tell you what happened…

We’ve got people like Ben Franklin who think they can go around with kites and metal conduits, waiting for bolts of lightning to hit them. Now, tell me he wasn’t crazy. And then came Edison, inventor of the light bulb. And it was all downhill from there…

At first, the thought of turning light on and off with the ease of a simple switch was more than appealing. People were really happy about it … to the point where they would have electricity parties all night long. Little did they know that the use of electric power was slowly eating away at our natural resources.

As a result of the our continued exploitation of electric energy, which has spiraled from the early electricity parties I mentioned to what W now calls the “Internets,” the U.S. depends on coal, oil and natural gas for energy. These are called “fossil fuels.” Whoa, fourth grade flashback. Anyway, fossil fuels are what drive electricity. They are nonrenewable, meaning they will eventually run out and risk harming the environment in the retrieval process.

This is why renewable energy resources – mainly wind and solar power – are really important. We need to look into these sources now, before it’s too late.

Aren’t you inspired? I would be, except for the fact that I rely on electricity for EVERYTHING. From my alarm clock to my refrigerator to my computer to my rotating disco ball. And now, it has become even more top-of-mind as I embark on my first apartment where I will be paying an electric bill. All utilities are NOT included? What??!!!??!?! Are you crazy? Are you Ben Franklin?

Check it out:
http://www.eere.energy.gov/consumerinfo/factsheets/renew_energy.html
http://www.nrel.gov/clean_energy/reimportant.html

Plaid, plaid, everywhere... but not a scarf that's cheap.

Just a quick comment on plaid. First off, I noticed a coworker wearing the ever-recognizable Burberry pattern yesterday. Then, on the way to work today, my bus passed the prestigious Connecticut Avenue Burberry store. I also passed at least three other people this morning, all wearing Burberry accessories. Now, I ask you, what is so special about this brand? It’s plaid, people. I mean, honestly.

Did you know that Burberry has been around since about 1850? Today, it’s a $1 billion plus business, traded publicly in the UK. One BILLION dollars! A billion dollars worth of plaid. It’s not even that cool… or, is it?

I did some research on the Burberry Web site. The average scarf is about $200. The average wallet is also about $200. They have hats, umbrellas, gloves, skirts, coats, even a children’s line. And it all has a touch of that classic plaid pattern. Can you believe they subject little kids to this? Little 3-foot tall kids, clad in plaid. Scary.

Well, maybe someday, I too can own a Burberry accessory. Someday when I have money to burn. Someday when I really want to be super preppy. Someday when I join a country club. Someday when I care about status symbols, no matter what they cost… or how out of style they really are…

Fire Drills and Survival Kits

There was a fire drill today… and I didn’t want to go. Looking back, this amazes me because, sure, most fire alarms are “drills,” but what if someday a fire alarm is a – pause – “fire.” Or, worse yet, a – longer pause and deep breath – “terrorist attack.” I guess I’d be screwed. There was absolutely no feeling of urgency. We filed out of the building like we had just woken up from a nice nap. “Hey Joe, whatcha up to this weekend? Oh, really. That sounds like fun. By the way, there could actually be a bomb in the building. I left my survival kit in my cube. Party! Yeah. Cool, well I’ll see you on Monday then.” And on we went…

Speaking of my survival kit, it’s really taunting me. I keep it in my left-side desk drawer. Inside, I have batteries, water, super-compressed space age food (mmmmm), a “survival blanket,” flashlight, matches, a radio… did I mention matches? Sometimes during the day, I get hungry or cold and I think, man, I have a good week’s worth of super-compressed food down there. Maybe I should have a bite or two. And then I think, “No, don’t do it man. You could be seriously jeopardizing your chance of survival if the nuclear war ever hits DC.” Do I smell false sense of security? Don’t get me wrong, you can always use a fresh set of batteries, but in the event of nuclear war, I think I’d rather just have a phone line that works so I can call my mom…

Day One of the Blog

... and I have nothing to say. Shit.