Tomorrow

My head hurts. It's been hurting all day and, out loud, I say I don't know why, but I do. Tomorrow things will change. For the better, I think. But something inside me is breaking. Have you ever made a big decision and although, deep down, you know that it's right for you, you feel like it's letting someone else down? Like you've let yourself down too? That is how I feel.

I got a letter from her yesterday. She expressed gratitude to me. She said I was there for her. But in the back of mind, I thought, I've let her down. I promised - and I swore - to myself that I would fight for her. I wanted to make it go away. I wanted to end it. I wanted to make a difference. Right now, looking back on the past year or so, I don't know if I've done anything at all.

I wanted to be stronger. I know things weren't exactly ideal, but when did I become selfish? When did I stop pushing? When did I decide, it's not worth it, or, I am worth more than this?

I know I'll be happier. But I'll always look back and, on a very personal level, regret quitting. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I let you down. I wanted so badly to fight to the end. And I chose another path. I will volunteer, but it won't be the same. I won't face it everyday. I won't speak it everyday. I won't be hurt everyday thinking of it. For the longest time, I needed that pain. Sounds messed up, I know. But I needed to feel like I was doing something about it. Even if it hurt.

Now I feel another kind of hurt. The hurt of giving up on a mission. The hurt of choosing to better my own life. Who knew the possibility of choosing a better path could be painful. But it is to me. I'm sorry.

I know I was a speck in the grand scheme. And I know that my own contribution was small, if anything. So in that way I can rationalize it. But my head still hurts. A lot. And I will go to bed tonight with tears in my eyes, thinking of you. And thinking of tomorrow.

And there you have it.