The Great Coffee Debate - No, the Other One

Thought I’d take a break from thoughts on media and religion, and start talking about what really matters in life - coffee. Each day presents new challenges, new faces, new experiences (which is great). But there are also a few consistencies that help establish stability (also good). One of these regular daily occurrences, and the one I would argue to be most important, is none other than my friend, an invigorating cup ‘o joe.

Coffee literally fuels my day, every day. I make a four-cup pot in the morning and typically stop for some extra goop on my way to work. Like most people in this city, coffee is a part of my life. I enjoy the aroma. I enjoy the people I meet in the coffee shops. I enjoy the caffeine. I enjoy the short reprieve on my walk to work and the realization that ok, now I am ready for this day. And I enjoy the power of personal choice associated with a cup of coffee. Do I want milk today? Sugar? Espresso? Maybe I do and maybe I don’t. But it’s definitely up to me. I can start my day off with a rock-hard decision. Feels good.

Until…

I decided to get some treats for my team at work this week. So I stopped in the Krispy Kreme around 7:45 a.m. for 48 donut holes and, of course, a cup of coffee for myself.

Me: “48 donut holes, please.”
Lady: “What kind?”
Me: “Um, half chocolate, half regular.”

[Donut counting takes place]

Lady: “Ok, here you go.”
Me: “Great, thanks! And can I get a tall of your bold coffee. That’s it.”
Lady: “A what?”
Me: “Just a tall coffee, please. The bold flavor. Thanks.”
Lady: “Excuse me, but we don’t have ‘tall’ coffee.”
Me: “Um, ok.”
Lady [now with attitude]: “You’re not in Starbucks.”
Me: “Ok, sorry.”
Lady: “I used to work there though. Those bitches.”
Me: “Huh.”
Lady: “So you want a small?”
Me [checking the menu above]: “Yeah, small. That’s good. Thanks.”

As I walked to work that day, carrying my donut holes and coffee, I realized several things.

One, the bitchiness of that lady’s ex-coworkers is apparently contagious.

Two, maybe I was wrong about the whole “personal choice” and “rock-hard decision” thing. Maybe I’m completely powerLESS when it comes to coffee. Could that be true? Have I been brainwashed by the big bad Starbucks? Not every coffee shop has tall, grande and venti? WHAT??!!? Maybe we’re all puppets when it comes to coffee choices. We think we rule our own destiny when we say things like, “I’ll have a grande skim hazelnut mocha, sugar free syrup, no whip, extra shot… and can you leave the top off?” But what we fail to realize is that we’ve been trained to say that. It’s totally a false sense of control. Come on people. You’re spending over three bucks on a small amount of liquid when you could easily just get a plain coffee, add your own milk and there you go. “But it tastes so good,” right? “They make it just the way I like it.” Oh no, they tell you how you like it.

My confusion in Krispy Kreme was a real eye-opener for me. Of course not everyone serves tall, grande and venti! Man, the effects of this homogenized society. Not good.

Three, I started to contemplate the meaning of tall, grande and venti. And I realized that the brainwashing is even worse than I originally imagined. Why? Because it’s not even a logical order. Let me explain.

The real sizes of coffee cups, at Starbucks as well as other coffee shops, are 12 oz, 16 oz and 20 oz. That’s pretty standard for “to go” coffee. “Venti” actually does mean “20” in Italian (shout out to my heritage!). So, in logical order, the 16 oz should be called “sedici” and the 12 oz “dodici.” But no! What the hell? They try to act all cool with the Italian word, but don’t really follow through. Posers.

Furthermore, if the 12 oz is “tall,” then the next should be “taller” and then, you guessed it, “tallest.” But this baffles me too, because shouldn’t “tall” be one of the bigger sizes to begin with? And then we should have a “short” and maybe a “holy crap he’s huge” size.

You get the point. Not only are we conditioned to think that tall, grande and venti are normal, but the conditioning is not based in any sort of logic. I’d like to thank you, bitchy lady in Krispy Kreme, for bringing all this to my attention.

By the way, the donut holes in Krispy Kreme are like heaven in a little ball of sugar and fat. Mmmmm….