I am Geisha

Although I've never seen Memoirs of a Geisha, I am fascinated by the scene in the teaser that shows her walking down the street, staring into the eyes of men passing by. She is proving her Geisha prowess by trying to completely overpower them with her stare. One man is so distracted that he falls off his bike.


So this has been my new mission. Over the last several weeks, I've been trying to perfect my "stare" and get men to fall off their bikes. It's not so easy.

DC is the perfect venue to practice though. Bike messengers are all over the place. And Rolling Thunder was this past weekend. I tried what I like to call "the spell" on a few Harley's, but no luck. I think I need to own the regular bike market first, then perhaps graduate to motorcycles.

Once there was a little man on a little bike. You know, the bikes with wheels half the size of normal wheels? As a side note, I never understood why someone would choose wheels so small. It takes you twice as long to get places. In any case, I figured this would be an easy target. But no. The guy was wearing headphones and I couldn't make eye contact. Either that, or the little wheels made his bike more stable... closer to the ground... therefore incapable of being thrown off balance by my geisha stare. Yeah, that must be it.

One time I came so close, I swear to you. Regular bike. Regular guy. He was coming up the sidewalk and I was walking down. So I turned on "full stare mode." We made eye contact but I think the sweat dripping from my face was a turn-off. It was a really hot day. I don't think geishas sweat. Oh well.

Another time there was a cute bike messenger in my elevator at work. He was a foot taller than me, dreads, headphones, body odor... the works. I knew it'd be harder to make him fall over from a standing position, but I tried nonetheless. My fantasy is that my stare would be so incredibly strong that he'd just lose all function in his knees. Then I'd help him up and say, "I'm so sorry. I can't control it." But he must have been listening to a really good song or something. 'Cause I got nothin!

So life must go on. I'll keep trying. I'm not giving up. Some day, years from now, you'll see a story in the Post that reads, "DC Bikers Can't Stay on Bikes: Plague Sweeps the City." That'll be me... geisha power perfected... but without the dominant controlling element. I will be the cool independent liberal geisha. Watch out.