Smelly Elliptical Man

Most of the time I'm ok. Most of the time, I avoid what has, on a few occasions, forced my face into a look of disgust for an entire evening... or longer. But tonight, I had no choice. I had no other option. If I wanted to stay at the gym and complete the workout that I had looked forward to all day, I had to do the unthinkable. I had to... it's almost too painful to relive... I had to work out next to... dun dun DUN... smelly elliptical man!

I've done it before, one time. But that was before I knew the horror. And I kid you not, it's pretty frickin' horrible. I've been camping, I know what normal body odor should smell like. This is beyond that times a really high number.

I arrived at the gym, some good country music on my ipod, just about ready to switch over to the dance genre, and I spotted him from the corner of my eye. A short little hairy man. Actually kind of cute. But looks are deceiving!

So I do my ladies room routine, take off my fleece, all that stuff. And I return to the cardio area. Prime time at the gym. God damn it. Not a treadmill or elliptical in sight, except, of course, the one free machine next to... dun dun DUN... smelly elliptical man!

I waited 10 frickin' minutes. Nothing. Oh god, I thought. Not again. Please, god, no. I'll do anything. I'm sorry I curse. I'm sorry I'm not a good little Catholic girl anymore. And I'm really sorry I organized a family karaoke party on the day of your son's resurrection, the holiest of all holy days! But why this? Did I really deserve this?

Reluctantly, I boarded my machine for what was sure to be 30 minutes of grimacing. And it was, no doubt. I tried to distract myself with some Cher, a little Madonna, DJ Sammy. But I couldn't stop the waves of his god-awful scent from filling my nostrils. I thought, well maybe he's European. Perhaps. Maybe he can't afford deodorant.

But you know, after all my over-analysis of this incredibly smelly man, I took a closer look. And he was smiling. Very jolly guy. And despite the fact that he could clear a room after five minutes on a cardio machine, he was loving his life. And then I thought, good for him! Wouldn't want to share the sauna with you, but, smelly elliptical man, you keep smiling. Be proud of who you are. 'Cause you know what, even though I'd rather hang out in the elephant pen of the National Zoo in the dead of August than be next to you in the elliptical line on a cool spring day, you rock. Amen.