My Narrow Mouth

I have always hated doctors. With a passion. You can trace this back to many things in my childhood, of course, but let’s not go there. Let’s focus on the positive.

So I recently chose a new dentist, which, by the way, is the worst of all doctors (haha, this may not be so positive after all). I have always feared the dentist and have always dreaded going. I have very strong opinions about what goes in there. For example, I believe that the reason my gums bleed is because, “I obviously have very sensitive gums, more sensitive than most.” But, in reality, I know that it’s because I don’t floss enough. Still, that doesn’t stop me from grunting, “Owww... what the hell?” when they poke at me, usually followed by, "f'in bitch," in my head. And then I add a good solid roll of the eyes. I believe that oral hygienists have the compassion of twigs.

I am so horrible as a dental patient, it’s almost embarrassing. I say “almost” because I haven’t yet reached the point of rational thinking. I still HATE the dentist and all that he stands for. I still think the equipment is barbaric and cruel. And I still think people who go into the dental profession must have some sick twisted idea of humanity. And it’s called sadism.

With that said...

I went to the dentist yesterday for a follow up appointment, some x-rays and a discussion with the doctor about additional cosmetic work. I have to say, if I must endure the dentist, I found the place to do it. This place has scented candles, soothing music, water, juice and a food massager. And, they LOVE me. What can I say, I know how to turn on the charm when necessary.

Throughout the whole experience – the x-ray chair, the regular chair and the three or four hygienists that worked on my mouth – there was a distinct theme. I’ll let you be the judge. You ready for this? These are actual quotes, no joke.

During xrays:
(The hygienist didn’t speak English very well.)
“Oh boy! You have small mouth! How supposed to get it in there?”
“You can’t open mouth wider than THAT?”
“Mouth so small! How you have mouth so small?”

During the consultation with the doctor:
(The doctor was amazing, but loved to hear himself talk.)
“You don’t have a lot to worry about actually. You have great lips. And you present well.”
“What I’d like to do is widen your smile. Like Julia Roberts. Your mouth is really narrow, but it’s deep.”
“You have excellent bone structure. Very healthy. Very healthy.”

During the goopy-mold mouth impression:
(This hygienist was curiously giddy. I think she snuck into the nitrous room actually.)
“I can’t seem to fit it in. Your mouth is so tiny!”
“I want to use the child version on you because your mouth is so small, but then we wouldn’t be able to get it all the way back. Your mouth is narrow, but it goes back far!”
“You have to be quick with these things. Sometimes it gets hard before you even get it in the mouth.”
“Brace yourself. I’m about to pull it out.”

So, in the end, given the obvious hilarity of the above quotes, this past dentist appointment wasn’t so bad. It’s amazing how a little sexual innuendo can make any situation funny... and, in the case of the worst doctor in the world (i.e., the dentist), sexual innuendo can make it tolerable... especially when you’re laughing on the inside, unbeknownst to anyone else in the room.

I also learned that although my mouth is abnormally narrow, it’s deep. And I have nice lips.